Apologizing means never having to say "I'm sorry"

Why do we tell our children to "Say 'I'm sorry'" when what we are really want is for them to apologize?

I'm Sorry
Saying "I'm sorry" to someone is not the same as apologizing. The statement "I'm sorry" conveys our state of mind, our emotional state regarding a situation. It indicates remorse and implies that the person wishes, at some level, that the situation in view had been different in some significant way. It communicates a feeling.

When we tell our children to "Say 'I'm sorry", we are essentially telling them to conjure up an emotional response to a situation in which they misbehaved, then communicate that remorse to the other person.

But that remorse is often not there when we are telling them to do this, and yet we insist that they say it. At this point we communicate on some level to our children that they ought to feel bad about what they've done, and if they don't then they should LIE and say they did.

The further this goes, the more ridiculous it becomes. We don't want them to lie, do we? Wouldn't we then insist they say "I'm sorry" for lying?

How often have we insisted that our children utter these words, then watch as they say them with little to no feeling at all? Is that really what we were after?

The problem becomes even worse when this becomes habit and we carry it into adulthood. We've been taught that the quickest way to get back on good terms with someone is to say "I'm sorry." But we're in such a habit of being allowed to say this when we don't really mean it that it is often disingenuous and not really accepted from the other party (rightfully so, I think).

So what should we do then?


An apology
Instead of telling our kids to say "I'm sorry," we should be teaching them to apologize. An apology is admitting that you've done/said something that you shouldn't have and assuring the other person that you will try not to do it again.

Do you see the difference?

There is nothing in an apology that refers to how you feel about what you did. You are acknowledging that what you did was wrong, not communicating how you feel about it. It is a statement about the objective morality of the action, not the subjective feelings you have about the action.

A child or an adult can do this and be sincere about it even if it is not accompanied by feelings of remorse or sorrow.

If we are honest with ourselves, we know that when we've done something we shouldn't have, we usually know it long before we feel bad about it.

If I get angry and say something hurtful to my wife, I know I've done something wrong as soon as the words leave my lips, but it may take some time before I feel the remorse of having said it. Should my wife have to wait until I feel that emotion before I admit I'm wrong?

Wives, how long does it take your husband to cool down? An hour? A day? Several days?  Should you have to wait that long?

But what if in the midst of that anger I say something hurtful to my wife, and while I'm still angry I say, "I apologize. I shouldn't have said that. It was wrong and hurtful, and even though I'm mad, you don't deserve to be treated that way."

Which would you rather receive?

And isn't this what we are after when we insist that our children apologize? We want them to see that they are wrong, admit it, and not do it again.

We are looking for them to admit that what they've done is wrong, not fake an emotion.

Sure, we do want them to feel that healthy remorse, but here's the trick. I have often found that when I apologize even in the midst of my selfishness and self-centeredness, the remorse is then produced in me naturally because I've admitted to myself and the other person that I'm wrong. But this only happens if the apology comes first. 

So if I apologize, I will most likely feel sorry very soon afterwards.

But if I only say "I'm sorry", I may or may not actually feel that emotion, and I haven't actually admitted to anything. It turns out to be meaningless.

Explain, Confirm, Instruct
So how do we make this distinction for our kids (and for ourselves)?

Easy. 

The next time one of your kids offends someone, instead of approaching them with "Say you're sorry!", try something like this:
1. Explain to them why what they did/said was wrong
2. Confirm that they understand
3. Instruct them to apologize. Say something like "Now, I want you to apologize by telling them what you did was wrong, that you shouldn't have treated them that way, and that you won't do it again. Then ask them to forgive you."

This more accurately communicates what we are expecting from our kids, and doesn't put them into a position where they have to lie in order to obey us, which can cause moral confusion as their character develops.